The Hollywood Reporter confirms that Richard Rubenstein ("Dune") is planning to produce "Dawn of the Dead 2," and all I can say about that is, "Huh?!" What makes this story fascinating is that this is not going to be a sequel to the 2004 remake of "Dawn of the Dead," but rather to the 1978 original. Now, call me crazy, but isn't that going to confuse the hell out of today's movie-going public? And, wait a minute, wasn't there already a sequel to "Dawn of the Dead" released back in 1985 called "Day of the Dead?" So, then how exactly can we now have "Dawn of the Dead 2?"

A few years ago saw the release of "Land of the Dead," which was the sequel to "Day of the Dead," which had a direct-to-DVD sequel in 2005 entitled, wait for it… "Day of the Dead 2." 2005? That's the same year "Land of the Dead" came out! So, which film is the true sequel? I remember the fun I had driving to the theater with my friend Bryan to see "Land of the Dead" and trying to explain to him that what we were seeing was not in fact the sequel to the 2004 "Dawn of the Dead," but rather to 1985's "Day of the Dead," which was in turn the sequel to the 1978 "Dawn of the Dead." Now, I don't know what to believe.

To make matters even more stupidly complicated, word has it that "Dawn of the Dead 2" is set to star Tony Todd ("Candyman") who was also the star of Tom Savini's 1990 remake of the film that started this entire undead clusterfuck back in 1968, "Night of the Living Dead," which is not to be confused with 2006's "Night of the Living Dead 3D." However, in "Dawn of the Dead 2" Tony Todd will not be playing the same character he played in 1990's "Night of the Living Dead," having been zombified and shot in the head at the close of that film.

Got that? Oh, it gets better.

Now, in spite of the fact that "Night of the Living Dead" was remade, the 2004 remake of its sequel, "Dawn of the Dead," was not created as the first remake's follow-up, but rather as a standalone film. In 2008, the third film in the series, "Day of the Dead," was also remade as a separate movie, having no connection to the two remakes that came before it. However, both the remakes of "Dawn" and "Day" have actor Ving Rhames (Pulp Fiction) in a starring role, albeit playing completely different characters in each film. Once again I'm left saying, "Huh?!"

In 2007, the mastermind who started this mess, George A. Romero, released his fifth film in his "Dead" franchise entitled "Diary of the Dead," which is technically "Night of the Living Dead Part 5." "Diary of the Dead" was released between 2005's "Day of the Dead" sequel and 2008's "Day of the Dead" remake, and is a prequel to the original "Dawn of the Dead," taking place during the same timeframe as "Night of the Living Dead." The original, not the remake. However, "Diary of the Dead" was meant to revamp the franchise and was set in 2008 rather than in 1968 when the series began. So, a film that's supposed to happen at the same time as another film that takes place in 1968 takes place forty years later in 2008? Absolutely fascinating. I knew they didn't have digital camcorders back in '68. I just knew it!

George Romero has now announced that he's making "Diary of the Dead 2." Wait just a damn minute! How can the sixth film in a franchise be called part 2? If you include spin-off sequels it's the 8th movie in the original "Dead" series, remakes excluded. So, more accurately it should be called "Night of the Living Dead Part 8: Dawn of the Dead Part 7: Day of the Dead Part 5: Land of the Dead Part 3: Diary of the Dead Part 2!"

Sigh... Oh, well... I guess I'll just go watch "Return of the Living Dead" instead, which was created as an homage to 1968's "Night of the Living Dead," which was later remade in 1990, then again in 2006 but this time as a 3D version that came out two years after 2004's remake of "Dawn of the Dead," and one year before "Diary of the Dead," which was the prequel to the remake of the sequel of.... OH FUCK IT!

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I’m not going to review Grand Theft Auto 4. Well, I’m going to review it, but not really. You see, since I have this so called ‘style’ of reviewing games, I can pretty much write whatever I want to and it counts. Hell, odds are people will say this is the greatest GTA review on the internet. And it’s not even a real review. Crazy, ain’t it?

Basically, I can write whatever  the fuck I want and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.  Guess what, I’m not even home right now. I’m sitting at a stop light and I just wrote this section down on a legal pad. I’ll just copy it into MS Word when I get home. I’m on my way over to my friend’s house to hang out. But it still counts as me reviewing GTA.

I’m going to repeat the part where I say I can write whatever I want, just to prove that I can.  I can pretty much write whatever I want to and it counts. Hell, odds are people will say this is the greatest GTA review on the internet. And its not even a review. See! Fuck the rules.

Sure, in a few days I’ll look back at this review and see a bunch of flaws. Bad sentence structure, uneven narrative, etc,  etc. But who cares. I’m having fun –now-. Usually writing a review is a struggle. It’s not easy at all. It’s work.  At the end of the day I like the results, but getting there is draining. This is effortless. It’s oddly freeing to have a goal, and then to just ignore it, yet still accomplish the goal. That’s some hardcore philosophy shit right there.

Hi. Derrick said that I could type something in here and it would be on the internet.  Tupac was the greatest street poet of our time. He changed the face of Hip Hop as we know it. That’s all, I’m done. Here’s Derrick again.

Multiplayer!

I could go on for pages and pages. I can even type gibberish. You have no idea how much fun I’m having. Partly, because I feel free while writing for the first time in a long time. And partly because I know people won’t believe I got away with this. Wrwioh3i 803303 hvebjlwvjbw-23f3f3. That’s the gibberish I alluded to earlier. Maybe I should do back and proofread this. Nah.

Some readers may be pissed off that I didn’t do some deep , compelling review of one of the biggest releases of the year….or did I?

Score 8/10

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“I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.” A statement like that can go one of two ways. It could mean, “I don’t want to be just friends with her anymore. I want us to live happily ever after together once she realizes what a great guy I am and how perfect we’ll be together”. Or it could mean “I don’t want to be friends with her anymore, period.”

I don’t want to be friends with her anymore. Period.

Granted, 6 months ago I may have gone the other route. Back then, I could turn character flaws into cute personality quirks. An unkind word was erased by a soft smile. It was easy because hey, she‘s a beautiful woman...with the grace of a Ferrari plowing though a rose garden, leaving destruction in her wake. For most of us, there are consequences to our actions. This isn’t like the PS3’s latest driving simulation, Gran Turismo 5: Prologue, where you can slam into a wall at 150mph and bounce off of it like nothing happened. Where,  in a multicar pileup, only the player gets spun like a top while the others involved just drive merrily away like nothing ever happened.  Actually, maybe her world really is like GT5:P, because, no matter what the carnage around her is, she manages to motor through like it wasn’t even there. I used to see that as a virtue. Look how strong and confident she is. Nothing can faze her. But things should faze you. Some things, even little things, should give you pause. Because it shows you care.

I realized a long time ago that I wouldn’t be getting a hug, much less a hand job out of this. I accepted that. You learn to move on. It’s a skill you have to master to make it through life. Everything isn’t going to come out perfect.  Ford will never bring back the Crown Victoria. Sony won’t add more than a lobotomized form of online play to Gran Turismo 5:Prologue. There won’t ever be a sequel to ‘Two Lane Blacktop’. These are things you learn to accept.  Once that is done, you can open your eyes and see past the pretty surfaces.  At some point she’s gone from a fun, smart, beautiful woman, to a bitter, shallow, beautiful woman. And I'm beginning to realize that sometimes, beautiful just isn’t enough.

She tries to offset the snide remarks coming from her lips by reminding you how ‘insecure’ she is. As if putting the right word behind ugly actions makes it ‘ok’. Printing the word ‘Prologue’ on the fifth generation of Sony’s famous racer doesn’t forgive it for lacking even the simplest of car customization options. Adding a Side Salad to a Big Mac combo meal doesn’t make it healthy.  Tacking a Mustang II badge on the tail of an overweight Pinto doesn’t make it worthy of the name. Labels don’t excuse what’s there. And they don’t excuse what’s missing.

It’s not possible to be “too good looking”.  The problem is, it’s too easy to get swept up in it, for everyone involved.  A wise man once said, “If you ever see a beautiful, stunning, drop dead gorgeous woman and she looks way out of your league, just remember that  somewhere there’s some guy who’s sick of putting up with her shit.”

Score: 6/10

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In a savvy move, Microsoft has purchased Yahoo.com, one of the largest internet websites for only $8.25. Instead of structuring complicated stock offers and financial deals, Microsoft just waited for the domain name to expire. "After they rejected our offer to buy them for $46 billion, we decided to go another route." said an MS spokesperson.

Microsoft's VP of Aquisitions,  Kay Glaizer explained the tactic. 'This was a multi pronged attack on our part. We outsourced 10,000 jobs to India and had them just keep hitting 'refresh' on the GoDaddy domain name search website as the expiration date got closer. Also, we found out which employee at Yahoo was responsible for renewing the domain name. Once we found out who he was, we promptly dispatched five of our top prostitutes to his home to persuade him to take the day off of work. We keep the girls on retainer just for situations like this. "

Just a few days earlier, Microsoft had offered to buy the website for $46 billion but the offer was declined by Yahoo's executives who felt it was too low. When asked for a comment, Bill Gates released the following statement "Dont fuck with me".

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