In a shocking investigative report, The Fox News program, ‘America Right Now’ has found shocking evidence that the popular classic arcade game, Ms Pacman, is actually an elaborate rape simulation and training program.  Host Robert Dinkum says he knows the report will be controversial but they have the proof to back up their statements.

“We interviewed 3 rapists and all of them had either played, or heard of, the game Ms Pac Man. Let’s be clear about that. 100% of the rapists we interviewed had a direct or indirect connection to this game. And the game itself does very little to mask its true nature. You have a woman, trapped in a maze, being chased by men dressed up as ghosts. And once they catch her…well, I don’t have to be graphic. And we dug so deep that we were able to uncover one of the most perverted aspects of this so called game. One of the ghosts is actually a woman named Sue. You heard me correctly. Ms Pacman promotes lesbian rape.”

While number of women’s groups are slated to appear on the program to denounce the game, Fox stated that they were unable to locate anyone from the videogame industry to defend it. ‘We called 3 different GameStop stores last Sunday at 5am and were unable to contact anyone. So obviously, that shows the videogame industry is ducking this issue. We did get a lot of calls from someone claiming to be the greatest videogame player of all time, Billy Mitchell. But after some background checks, he didnt have the level of credibility that we require at Fox News.'

The Special Report, 'America Right Now:How Games are Raping Your Children While You Watch TV Shows Like This One', will air on Fox News, immediately after 'When Animals Attack: Cobra vs Toddler'.

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At the 2007 Consumer Electronic Show held in Las Vegas, the buzz wasn’t about what was being shown. The talk was about what wasn’t being shown. Showgoers expected to finally get a glimpse at the killer robots that major electronics corporations are rumored to be working on. Unfortunately, the show floor did not contain any murderous androids, much to the dismay of the people in attendance. ‘We know they have Killer Robots, why are they keeping them under wraps’ one retailer asked. ‘I have a long waiting list of customers who are demanding a robot that has the ability to one day turn on them and force them into a life of servitude.’

Executives at the show were apologetic. Sony’s Ken Watanabe said ‘Our death bot is just not ready to be shown to the public. We don’t want to display something that can just maim or cripple. We are all about quality at Sony. Until it’s a perfect killing machine, we will continue to develop it.’  Honda had a similar take on the subject. ‘We made a mistake by showing off the Asimo too early, before the stun rays were ready. It gave false hope to would be supervillans. Now we’ve learned our lesson. But, we are doing some closed door demonstrations of Asimo 3.0 using a machete. That’s as far as we’re willing to go this year’.

The show consensus was that 2009 will be the year killer robots finally make an entrance and enslave us all to do their bidding. We can’t wait.

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Today, Apple announced the newest version of it's iPod media device. The major difference in this new version was the inclusion of a touch screen, which was added after continued requests from the porn industry.  During the lauch press conference Apple Chairman Steve Jobs  said ,"For years, the iPod has been the leader (pause) in watching porn outside the home. The video iPod (pause) was the first device to allow viewing a complete (pause) dirty movie while riding a bus. The IPhone brought internet porn to car pools (pause) across the world. And we're just squeezing the tip of what's possible"

Richard Hard, owner of 'Call Me Dick' productions was excited about the new iPod. "We already got plans to re-release our hit series, 'Big Black Rods and Tight White iPods #23-#41', and we're adding a special iFinger feature to it. Hey, you're kinda cute for a reporter, ever think of doing some modeling?"

Some consumers were guarded about the new addition. Peter Stam told us, "I dont use my iPod for porno, umm, I just use it for music, I have like 100,000 songs on my old one, yeah, Its all music. By the way, did you get a release date on the new Big Black Rods video?'

The Adult Entertainment industry has lobbied for years to get special features added to new technology. The industry was the driving force behind such innovations like 3D movies, surround sound, stainproof clothing, and Tang. Richard Hard remarked,"This is huge for us, it may even be bigger than when we got cell phones to vibrate."

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While the June 29th release of the Apple IPhone was recieved with excitement by millions of affluent and socially concious young adults, the same day was the cause of dread to many charities that depend on donations from Apple's trend following customer base. Wendy Wilson of PETA explains, "That thing costs $500 plus another $80 a month for the service plan. That's money that college students would usually blow on a PETA Tshirt or tickets to a Save the Earth Concert." GreenPeace spokesperson Rain Sunshine echoed the concerns, "Its a disaster. And its not just us. Hemp belt sales have plummetted. Toyota dealers are already being forced to slash the price of the Prius. And those starving kids in Somalia and Darfur, it'll be a long time before they see another bag of grain."

It's not only charities that are being hit hard, other 'cool causes' are being pushed out of the marketplace. Micheal Moore's new film had a dissapointing box office over the weekend, and DVD sales of Al Gores 'An Inconvienent Truth' are at thier lowest point in weeks. Lance Armstrong of the 'LiveStrong' foundation said they have been hit the hardest. "What are we gonna do with 3 million $15 plastic wristbands now? Before the IPhone was announced, it was a sellers market".

Mike Works, a long time Apple user , was able to maintain his kharma while also keeping up with tech fashion. "I was lucky. I was able to cancel my check to the Make a Wish Foundation in time to get two IPhones, one to use and one to keep in the box as a collector's item. Unfortunatley the Pediatric Aids people were able to hit my credit card before I could stop them. So no leather carrying case for me. That sucks."

While many new IPhone owners had to chose between trendy technology and trendy charities, a few have managed to balance the two. Jennifer Dobson a Sophomore at UCLA told us, "Sure, to pay for my IPhone I had to cancel my sponsorship of a Ehtiopian village and skip out on an AIDs walk, but its okay because I used it to download the new Pearl Jam album from Itunes. I think they give a penny for every song downloaded, so I'm still totally helping out." 

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