An unusually large number of natural disasters took place on Tuesday, September 25, 2007 . Since the majority of the media was focused on covering the launch of Microsoft's Halo 3 for the Xbox 360, many of these tragedies went below the radar of the general public. At last count, five volcanoes erupted, two of which were previously thought dormant. Seven tropical storms and three hurricanes made landfall, causing untold loss of life. India was hit by no less than nine earthquakes and countless homes in Costa Rica were wiped out by a flash flood, Phil Spector beat a murder wrap, OJ Simpson made bail, and a single tornado ripped through a record 23 trailer parks.

Early this morning , the Vatican issued a press release explaining the numerous disasters. 'God took the day off to play Halo 3. He had only planned on playing through the first level, but the graphics were so good, that even the Lord couldnt pull himself away.' Pope Benedict XVI called a press conference to answer questions on behalf of the Almighty. 'I have to take some of the blame here. God and I were talking on Xbox Live and I asked him to join me in some co-op levels. And soon, we were playing 2v2 Slayer games. We went undefeated all day long. I pwned a few n00bs but the Heavenly Father did most of the work. As you know, God gets the best ping times.' The Pope would not disclose the Creators gamertag.

God was unavailable for comment.

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Thomas Gulliver was the first place winner in the US Army's 'Americas Army: Fight for Real' competition which searched for the best FPS players in the USA. Gulliver beat out thousands of other players of America's Army, Call of Duty, Medal of Honor, and Rainbow Six in a series of tournaments sponsored by the government. His prize was a new Xbox 360 controller (with an Army sticker), a gift certificate to the Army/Navy online store, 500 Microsoft points, and immediate deployment to Iraq. Gulliver's mother was elated for her son, "He was so excited. He said he was going to get a lot of frags and gibs would be flying everywhere. I didnt know what he was talking about but its the first time he's been out of the house in months so I was happy'.

Unfortunately, Thomas Gulliver's FPS skills did not translate into real world soldier skills. His squadmates told us about his first, and last, day in the field. "He strapped on like five different weapons. He had a rifle, a sidearm, a ton of grenades, a rocket launcher, a shotgun, a bow and arrow, and a crowbar. He even tried to find a chainsaw to add on." His squad leader Sgt. Simmons, continued "On our first patrol, he jumped out of the Humvee and started bunny hopping all over the place. It was wierd. When I told him to take a position on the hill, he said he was going to 'rocket jump' to the top. After the explosion, he was sent directly to the hosptial."

Gulliver is scheduled to be out of the hospital in the next 15-18 months. When asked for a comment, Thomas replied 'Boom! Headshot!'

Today, Apple announced the newest version of it's iPod media device. The major difference in this new version was the inclusion of a touch screen, which was added after continued requests from the porn industry.  During the lauch press conference Apple Chairman Steve Jobs  said ,"For years, the iPod has been the leader (pause) in watching porn outside the home. The video iPod (pause) was the first device to allow viewing a complete (pause) dirty movie while riding a bus. The IPhone brought internet porn to car pools (pause) across the world. And we're just squeezing the tip of what's possible"

Richard Hard, owner of 'Call Me Dick' productions was excited about the new iPod. "We already got plans to re-release our hit series, 'Big Black Rods and Tight White iPods #23-#41', and we're adding a special iFinger feature to it. Hey, you're kinda cute for a reporter, ever think of doing some modeling?"

Some consumers were guarded about the new addition. Peter Stam told us, "I dont use my iPod for porno, umm, I just use it for music, I have like 100,000 songs on my old one, yeah, Its all music. By the way, did you get a release date on the new Big Black Rods video?'

The Adult Entertainment industry has lobbied for years to get special features added to new technology. The industry was the driving force behind such innovations like 3D movies, surround sound, stainproof clothing, and Tang. Richard Hard remarked,"This is huge for us, it may even be bigger than when we got cell phones to vibrate."

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In an attempt to prevent piracy, SecuRom has begun implementing what it calls 'pre-birth copy protection'. When registered users of Take 2 software become pregnant, the woman is required to wear SecuRom's new 'Fetus Check' anti-piracy band around their stomach. The band includes a mini speaker that constantly broadcasts anti-piracy phrases directly into the birth canal. Example messages include 'Dont Copy that Floppy','BitTorrent is the Boogieman', 'Piracy is for Poopypants', and 'If you steal software, Mommy wont love you'.

SecuRom praised this new technology as a profit saving measure that has become needed in the new digital age. Robert Lockly, vice president of SecuRom stated 'Over the last 2 years, game profits have only gone up 38 percent. If we didnt do something to stop future piracy, senior board members would only be able to afford 2 new cars per year, instead of the industry standard of 4." When asked about the legality of forcing expectant mothers to wear copy protection against their will, Lockly responded, 'First of all, we arent forcing anyone. When they clicked 'Accept' on the install screen of their game, they agreed to these terms. Its right there in paragraph 435. So its not like they didnt know about it. Also, our surveys show that these women will enjoy wearing the anti-piracy band. Its a lot more comfortable than the P2P chastity harness that our competitor StarForce is currently beta-testing."

Drake Dempsey senior engineer of SecuRom was asked why they decided to focus on pregnant women instead of the hackers themselves. "Stopping a hacker is hard. Those guys are smart. But babies are stupid. If you tell them to do something enough times, they'll probably do it. So we're just reinforcing good corporate morals on these future pirates." SecuRom has always advocated stopping piracy as early as possible. Early this year, they began putting copy protection on game demos, which by definition, are meant to be copied. Dempsey says that Fetus Check was the next logical step.

The first woman to have Fetus Check installed, Margaret Killian, strongly opposed wearing the anti-piracy band at first. 'The day after I posted on MySpace that I was pregnant, these 2 men with surgical gloves knocked on my door and said I had to wear this thing. I called the police. But when the cops came, they told me that this is legal under the DMCA law. But I guess its okay because they also let me pre-order GTA4.'

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